SurvivorandDogMama

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind then you will be able to test and approve what God will is his good pleasing and perfect will . (2)

Be devoted to one another in love . (10)

Be joyful, and hope patient in affliction faithful in prayer . (12)

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath (19)

Do not be overcome by evil but overcome evil with good (21)

My life just keeps getting harder and harder, and I’m not really sure why. I was able to share my testimony with the world and then I was at jeopardy of a lawsuit because I shared my truth to the world

I was trusting people for the first time in a long time I saw people as good people I was not fearful of all men anymore

As an act of kindness I offered someone a place for them to lay their head. I trusted this person, again, because this person had saved me from a real bad place that I was in and I thought he was good.

And then this person, within an hour, was assaulting me in my own home.

For the first time in my life, I feared for my life and had to make decisions to try to live

I eventually was hiding in my bedroom with my dogs, door locked, and I ended up calling the police this time, and this time the police showed up. But this time again they were not trauma sensitive or trauma informed

My anxiety and fear was not because I was mentally unstable. They never thought that another traumatic event another rape would cause me to have massive anxiety and fear. I was treated once again as if I was out of my mind

I was taken to the hospital and was secluded in a room without visitors, without meds, without anxiety meds to help. I had to go over the story over and over and over and finally met with another psychiatrist who agreed I was doing the best I could with what I got given the circumstances of being raped again

At that time I finally started getting some treatment but not the kind I needed. I was released after about seven hours and then had to wait another three hours for another rape kit which meant I had to stay in those clothes for nearly 12 hours

And then I had a rape kit, and it was just as awful as the last one, maybe even more awful

The assault is caught by motion sensor camera. Now the whole assault isn’t there because the whole assault didn’t happen in front of that camera but enough of it was there

And yet, he was released on his own accord on the streets, not far from where he raped me

Police didn’t understand why I was fearful police still don’t understand why I’m fearful. I don’t know what to do.

You see, I had prayed a prayer right before this man came over and I said dear God, please protect me and keep me safe tonight

And no less than an hour later, I was raped in my own home in my happy place and my world got dark again

I don’t know how to recover from this one. I don’t know where to go, but I read the scriptures from today and I know God‘s wrath will take care of it, man I have been patient I have been faithful. I have shared love. I have not conformed to this world. I have been unapologetically me, and I can’t seem to stop being raped , I just don’t get it

From the upper room today, it says God wants to make us new to transform us, even when we feel broken and useless. God still has a purpose for us.

In this moment, I don’t see purpose and I don’t see direction and I don’t see hope

And I don’t know how to tell people who are so proud of me for being so strong that I’m done. I’m not strong at all, and I don’t think I can do this but again, I don’t think I can recover. I won’t end my life, but this is no life to live.